If you spend any time in the parenting section of the library or your local bookstore, you will find hundreds of books on disciplining and raising your children.
All the leading experts have their ideas about what works and what doesn’t. As a parent, you bring a philosophy to the table. Most of your thoughts come from what you learned as a child.
You either liked how your parents raised you, agreed with some of it and disagreed with the rest, or didn’t like any of your parents’ ideas.
Then, you talk to or watch other mothers you know, and these ideas are added to the mix. You take the best from all these sources and set off to be the best mom you can be.
And then something happens that interrupts your plan for raising your children. Dad has a whole other set of ideas and plans for raising his children.
Most of the time, Dad’s ideas do not come from the many books on parenting he reads or the oodles of fathers he brainstorms with.
His ideas come from how he was raised as a boy, but sometimes, Dad operates on autopilot when raising and disciplining his kids. Even the best and most agreeable parents sometimes disagree.
So, what do you do when your two philosophies clash?
1. Talk It Out When the Children Are Not Around
You’re in the middle of dinner, and the children refuse to eat. They are crabby and test your every nerve. Dad can see that you are stressed, so he decides to take matters into his own hands.
He yells loudly, “Eat your food right now, or you will go straight to bed.” The kids start crying. You are even angrier now because you can’t stand yelling.
You feel it is an ineffective way to discipline the children, and you believe it scares them.
Wait until the children go to bed and have a talk with your husband. Explain to him exactly how you feel about yelling. Listen to his side of the story and why he did what he did. Do your very best to understand him and acknowledge his feelings.
Then, we will decide together what would work better for everyone in the future.
2. Decide How Important an Issue is to You
My friend’s husband takes his little girl to swimming lessons every Saturday morning. After swimming, the little girl is starving.
Dad’s way of ending their fun time together in the pool is to let his daughter pick something to eat from the vending machine.
My friend does not want her daughter to associate fun time with Dad and junk food.
She believes they should come home so her daughter can eat something healthy. Sometimes, each parent must decide how important an issue is to them.
If Dad rates his need to buy his daughter a junk food treat after swimming at an 8, and Mom rates her need for her daughter to eat healthy at a 6, then Dad wins. You learn to give in on issues that aren’t important to you.
3. Understand That Differences Can Be Good
Believe it or not, children can benefit from differences in our parenting styles. As long as children are being loved and treated with respect and fairness, it can be good for them to learn to adapt to different childrearing approaches. No two people in this world are exactly alike.
Some parents are very flexible, and some are quite structured. Some are playful, and others are more serious. There are quiet, mild-mannered parents and loud, boisterous parents as well.
Step back and appreciate your differences. Children who are exposed to diversity tend to be better rounded and adaptable.
4. Combine Your Viewpoints and Get on the Same Page
The most important thing you can do for your children and your marriage is get on the same page when raising and disciplining your children.
Being on the same page does not mean you necessarily agree on everything. It means you support one another as parents. If Mom says there are no privileges until homework is done, the rules are the same as Dad’s.
If Dad says the curfew is at 11:30 PM, then Mom enforces this curfew. Take the time to work through your differences and create a plan that both of you can be happy with.
Decide the house rules and how the children will be disciplined when the rules are broken. Then, stick together and provide a united front for the benefit of your children.
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